No, I am not ok, but I will be. I miss Luke so very much! There are days I truly do not want to live anymore. I feel like there is no meaning to life. I have no motivation to do anything. All I want to do is go to heaven. I don’t want to be without Luke anymore. It hurts so much. I lost a beautiful part of my life. The pain is unbearable and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I can’t see him tomorrow or the next day. No matter how hard I reach for him, I can’t get to him. No matter how much I want to hug him, I can’t touch him. No matter how much I want to hold him and tell him I love him, I can’t. I want to kiss his soft head and feel him lay his head against me. I miss hearing him call my name. I want to run, scream, and cry. Some days I make so many plans and they all fall through because I wake up and can barely get out of bed and face the reality once again of Luke being gone. Sometimes, I wonder why God would give me this child and then take him away. It seems mean and cruel and not fair. Some days all I want to do is watch videos and look at pictures of Luke, other days I want to pretend I never had Luke. I am not consistent with anything even my parenting. Some days I am very strict and others days I just let things go. I am not perfect and I am human and that’s why I need God every minute, every hour, and every day of my life. Some days I go in Luke’s room, lie on his bed and wrap his camouflage blanket around me and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I go in his room sometimes and scream, why? Why me? Why Luke? No!! I refuse to except this Lord. You cannot have Luke. It’s not time. The pain is excruciating! We became so close over the past year. Sitting with him day after day in a hospital room. We would talk and laugh. He could make me laugh until my side hurt. We would act so silly and had so much fun. There are days I would do anything to be back at the hospital with Luke. Sometimes, when I am sitting in my bed I imagine him walking into my room. I can see him so clearly or I imagine what it will be like when I die and wake up in heaven and see his sweet beautiful face. I miss his funny sense of humor. I miss his stubbornness and strong willed personality. I miss him wanting his hair fixed perfectly before school and how he didn’t like if he could feel the seam of his socks in his shoes. I miss how he always loved my tacos, scrambled eggs, and hamburgers. I miss cleaning up his mess after he had eaten and well…..wherever he went. I miss him walking in the house with mud all over his boots, I miss him riding his 4-wheeler and asking me to go fishing with him in the middle of the day when it was over 100 degrees outside. I miss him ruining every good pair of shoes he had. I miss him building doghouses, crosses, and tables out of scrap wood. I miss checking his pockets before washing them and pulling out Bb’s, pocket knifes, and rocks. I miss flushing his central line, helping him go to the bathroom, and drying him off when he got out of the shower and helping him get dressed when he was sick. I miss everything about him. Yes I know I have a wonderful husband and another precious child but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. But I will be ok. How do I know? Because Jesus said so. When I can’t get up, he will lift me up. When I can’t walk, he will carry me. I will embrace my pain and trust him to help me press on. I will make the best of everyday with the strength God gives me even if some days it’s not very much. Some days he allows me to hurt more than others and that’s ok. He has a plan and a purpose and no I don’t like it but no one said I had to. I will just continue to lean on him and trust that he has a reason for my pain and a reason for taking Luke so soon.
Today, you might not be okay. You might be facing a mountain of sadness or impossibility. You might be walking through a valley of despair. You might not even know why you aren’t okay. You might be looking at a scary diagnosis, experiencing a financial disaster, or struggling with a wayward child.
These are the moments we wrestle and do everything we can think of to resolve the struggle in our soul. And life sort of feels like quicksand — the harder we struggle, the deeper we sink. The days seem dark and lonely, and our soul is crushed by the heaviness of despair and pain.
There’s only one place to restore our soul and find comfort, and that’s in the quiet place at His feet, where it’s okay to not be okay.
Because one day He will make everything okay.
Life is tough, and the burdens it hands us can be so hard to bear. But we don’t need to carry them alone. Read the promises of God …
“Even to your old age, I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you” (Isaiah 46:4).
“He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom” (Isaiah 40:11). The Good Shepherd will gladly bear us in His gentle arms right now.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). Through faith His strength becomes yours, and He reaches out to keep you from falling.
“For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you’” (Isaiah 41:13). God promises to support and help you through every trial
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved” (Psalm 55:22). God is glad to carry your burdens and give you the daily strength you need.
